How to Love Your Empty Nest
My last child is now a senior in high school, preparing to graduate and head off to college. We have known this was coming for quite some time, and we are not novices, having been through the departure of his older brother in similar fashion four years ago. This time is special to him because, well, it’s his, but more importantly (since it’s always all about ME), it’s special for me because he’s my last, which means I am heading for “Empty Nest Syndrome.”
As a Type-A, All-About-Me kind of mother, I have always prioritized my physical and mental health and well-being, having learned early in my parenting career that if I was not okay, no one was okay. So I have been thinking long and hard about how Empty Nest might sneak up on me despite the calendar having been quite clear and quite consistent in its reporting. So the first thing I did was, 18 months ago, follow a passion and enroll in a graduate program that has always interested me. That way, I could be a college student again, rack up some student debt, and enjoy myself in a way that did not involve drinking wine or getting a massage. It has worked splendidly, but something inside me, that niggling little inner voice, told me that cerebral and emotional stimulation might not be enough this go around. So what did I do?
I found and bought a HOUSE.
Yep, that’s right, as I am unloading the last child, I upsized. I found a great deal on a fixer-upper, bought it, and promptly became overwhelmed by the breadth and variety of things that needed fixing up.
Am I discouraged? A little. Am I mad at myself? You bet! But you know what I mostly am? Energized. Ambitious. Investigating and Planning Solutions. Talking to contractors, experts, friends, seeking help, commiserating with other homeowners. I haven’t had this much conversation and community over shared experiences in a long time. It has dawned on me that I bought a big, needy baby who is going to take every bit of love I can give it and hopefully turn into a worthwhile investment of my love, time, energy, money!
I had a 3rd child, to replace the last of the ones I birthed, as a way of distracting myself, and of reminding myself that I have a lot of creativity to express, not just work to do to support the young men I have helped raise.
Beyond the gift of love/work/home I have given myself, it has also occurred to me that having this kind of a project, one that takes a lot of work and cooperation, is an excellent antidote for couples who are facing empty nest syndrome together. As you are facing a juncture where, suddenly, you are forced to either draw closer and get reacquainted, or to take the separateness left by the vacuum of the empty nest and work individually to fill the hole, at risk of piling landfill between you. Instead, a year before the last graduation, one might consider convening a Planning Committee, to discuss a Project, a home renovation or improvement, that could be identified as the new baby, one that you have equal investment in making a success, and that will fire up old muscles as you deal with external irritants (hello, remember dealing with contractors?), and that will result in something beautiful you can both enjoy together. Deck and hot tub? Guest room over the garage? Gazebo and landscaping in the garden? Talk, draw, shop to your heart’s content on weekends, over that last year, as you prepare for the departure of your last baby.
Endings, beginnings, there is no reason why they can’t overlap, to ease transitions, and to remind us yet again – it’s the journey, not the destination, that matters.
Sincerely,
Tracy
p.s. leave me a comment and let me know if you can relate
